So four days of crying are over for now. I think that I am finally doing okay.
Brandon and I are no longer a couple. I've been sick for days and crying non stop. I had to take some time off of work to get myself together.
I knew it was coming on Friday night we texted back and forth. We talked on Saturday. First of all, a little background since I have not been updating my journal properly.
We met in July, I wasn't really ready for a relationship but I found him and he just completely swept me off my feet. Everything was great at first, but I knew that he had so much potential and that there is so much out of life that he wanted to do career wise and in so many other ways that he had not been able to achieve. He was a server for a gay restaurant downtown, and had a motorcycle that he used to get to and from work. He didn't make a lot of money. Materialistic things have never been important to me so it was never that big of an issue at first.
We celebrated our birthdays (Sept 23rd for him Sept 27th for me) at Disney. We had a blast. I met his mom and grandma. He met my parents when they came down. Everything was wonderful until the middle of October.
When he got into a motorcycle accident.
That's when everything really changed. Everything. He had no medical insurance. He fractured his arm and had to go to a specialist. I helped him pay for his medical bills. His best friend helped him as well. He had to quit his job. He couldn't lift heavy trays and such as a server, his arm was not healing properly. He has been in constant pain. The first couple weeks after the accident everything was the same, I think he was in denial. But after that things really took a turn for the worst. He started to get irritable. Grouchy. Bills came in. He's been out of work for at least a month now and can't pay his rent. He's borrowed from everyone. He's applied everywhere he can around his house and no one is hiring. He can't ride his motorcycle because his arm is practically broken. He can't even lift it up high enough to start the bike.
So he took me on Saturday and explained that he has hit rock bottom. He is drowning in his own life and cannot be a boyfriend to me right now. He says what he needs now is a friend and not a boyfriend, he just cannot deal with it on an emotional level right now; the stress is too much with everything else going on. He wants to get his life back on track and then he can have a boyfriend again, when he has more control of the things around him. It's not fair to me. Either way. Life is just not fair sometimes and I realize that, but I finally find a really good man that I can see myself with long term and having a family, and life shits on me. It wouldn't be fair to me if we stayed together either. He hasn't been kind or loving to me the last few weeks. I thought it was temporary, due to the stress and his having issues sleeping with everything going on. He explained that the guilt he feels and the stress he feels everday waking up knowing that he is not meeting his obligations as a boyfriend stress him out beyond belief. He wants to give 110% of himself to me, to his relationship; but right now cannot even give 50%.
So right now what he needs is a friend, patience, and an open heart and mind. That's been his mantra as of late. He needs support as a friend to help him get through what he needs to get through. He needs patience if I want to work things out and have a future with him. I need an open heart and mind to allow him to have the space he needs to work out his issues. I wanted and still want to make 100% sure that his decision had to do with the outside influences of the relationship and not the relationship itself. He has assured me at least 3 times that it had nothing to do with us per se, but the final factor was the extra stress and obligation he was feeling as a result. There are a few "personality conflicts" he potentially saw but we have only been together 3 months, and TBH he was not sure if they were serious enough to sever the relationship for a lifetime. They were small things that we will need to work on if we are to try again.
So what he needs right now is a friend. How am I supposed to be that to him right now? I still love him. He says he cares about me. He says he feels the same as he did before the breakup. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. The idea stresses him out and I just don't think he can deal with that word or feeling on an emotional level right now. His life is so crazy. Neither one of us knows when it will be sorted out....but there is a lot to sort out. We decided to keep having sex. The sex has always been amazing. For me I know that this is awful, this is wrong, but it is a way for me to stay emotionally and physically connected to him through this transition. He says that there are still a lot of emotions for him when we have sex, it's not just fucking. He still cares a lot, and it feels good. There's still a connection. We agree we can continue to do this for now.
Just last night we started to talk about boundaries. There really aren't any right now. His main thing was that it was very important that we have space in between seeing each other. Not that we cannot text or call, but that there needs to be space. This is coming off of spending practically every night together. Sleeping in the same bed. Cuddling. Making love. This is a drastic change. He doesn't want to continue dating me and just take away the label. There has to be a change in the way we treat each other. We really have to transition to friends for this period of time. I don't know if I can even do that or if it is possible for us to go back to what we had.
I know 3 months is not a long time, blah blah blah.......but the connection and the emotions were so intense. I really believe that we both need this space and time apart. I agreed to not see anyone else for 3 months, and then we could see where we are at that time. I am always going to pressure him and be pushing for a reconcilliation. I know I am. I'm not sure how long I can give him to get his life together before I start to explore other options for myself. That scares me so much because I want so badly to reconcile. I really think that he is the one. I never saw myself marrying anyone else in my life seriously.
I called my psychic last night. The one that told me I was going to move to Florida, meet Jason, meet Greg, even Brandon. She told me that everything is going to come "full circle". That we both need to take a step back, that I need to support him while he goes through his "financial crisis" (which I didn't say a word about) and that the connection we had in the beginning is still there. Everything she said is going to work out and that this really is worth waiting for. Once his financial crisis is over and that is back on track he is going to start to come back around. Everything will come full circle. For sure. He just isn't emotionally available with everything else going on. And when I asked if he was the one, which she has told me in the past none of them were point blank; she said that this "is really something worth waiting for". I tried to get a time frame but she didn't give me one. Just that this is going to take longer than 2 weeks or 2 months. This could take time.
I guess I don't really have a choice. A relationship takes two people. I am just going to keep going and see what happens and I guess that's all I can do. My only choice is is to wait for him to get his life together or move on.
I don't know what I'm going to do.