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Ryan

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[02 Dec 2009|02:41am]
"That Day"

That day that day
That beautiful day
When I first laid eyes on your face

That day that day
That beautiful day
When you took my breath away

With hello I fell
Can it always feel this way

That day that day
That beautiful day
Second week of November


That day that day
That beautiful day
When I woke up in your arms

That day that day
That beauitful day
Your kiss was so soft

I'd say stay if I could
Only find the words to say

That day that day
That beautiful day
When I first fell in love

With you
I cannot believe it myself but it's
True I'm in love there's nobody else
And I'm scared that I'm falling and it's all of a sudden
Yesterday is just a shadow of where I was before

That Day
That day that beautiful day
I wish it did not ever end
That day that day
That beautiful day
I still chase in my mind
Where I first fell in

Love with you
I cannot believe it but it's true
I'm falling for everything
I never imagined could be the same as

That Day
That Day
That Day
I fell in love
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[25 Nov 2009|10:28am]
"Jump"

I'm ready to fall into you arms
And feel something more than
You arms lengthening is letting me
I'm ready to crash to let go
Just tell me when to jump

I'm ready to call off all defenses
And let you inside
My heart is calling for you
I'm ready to risk
Breaking my heart
Just tell me when to jump
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[18 Nov 2009|10:02pm]
"Bloom"


Everyone says she's so pretty
If only they knew what it was like to be so pretty
To stand behind the glass and everyone stares at for a photographic memory
But nothing last more (for her) than five minutes and it starts all over again
And she falls so fast and she lands in tact everytime with her bruises
Then she says

Chorus:

I can feel something changing
My heart is making room
My heart is ready to bloom

The seasons are changing
Time to leave this cocoon
My heart is ready to bloom

This season will change soon

She searched but was always abandoned
Never able to find a connection to anyone
This pattern did repeat never could walk away until she laid eyes on face
And everything changed (for her) the world became their playground
Life had new meaning never knew it could be like this
And the healing began in his arms not the same two hands that inflicted the pain

CHORUS

It may not come tomorrow
It may not come today
It will not come in sorrow
It will not come in pain
But love will come around you will see
You will see someday

CHORUS
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[07 Nov 2009|11:37pm]
"Your Congratulations"

Your congratulations
On your new relationship
I guess I was not what you were looking for
Your congratulations
I only met you once
But I thought we had so much in common
Something could have developed between us

Did I hide my true face I didn't mean to walk alone
I could be so much to you if you'd only let me show

Your congratulations
On your new found love
I'm so jealous I wish I had someone to call my own
Your congratulations
I walk away empty handed
My parting gift is this song

Was I too shy did I not show you my true self
Behind this mask I carry
Did I jump the gun kiss you too soon

Your congratulations
On finding someone to compliment you
I wish it was me I do
So I'll end this on a happy note
I still have not found anyone that fits
Your Congratulations.
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Defenseless [05 Oct 2009|01:59am]
"Defenseless"

I'd kiss your lips in a million ways
If it meant I'd feel this way always
And I cannot hide it

When I gaze in your eyes I melt away
Every wall that was built crumbles away
And I am defenseless

Against your charm
Against your warmth
Against your innocent outlook

I am defenseless

I'd hold you in my arms as long as you'd
Hold me in yours we'd be one as two
And love would be defenseless

Against your embrace
Against your pearly smile
Against your angelic face

I am defenseless

And There's no game to be played
When all you want is to surrender
At this moment I feel brave
Ready for love to take over......

And be defenseless (in your arms)
Defenseless(in your warmth)
Defenseless
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Can It Feel Like This [28 Sep 2009|12:50am]
"Can It Feel Like This"

Like a desert waiting for the sun
The calm that comes before the storm
I am ready to love
Ice did melt in my eyes
With your touch sparks did ignite
For the first time I feel alive
I'm a stranger to feelings as good as this
Whoever thought that they could exist

Chorus:

Can it feel like this
When my head's spinning round
Dizzy in the intoxication of your touch
Can it feel like this
Tomorrow the day next
Or are these just temporary sensations
'Cause my heart's racing fast
In the same moment that we kiss
Can it feel like this

I want to know

You make me believe in love
When I had almost given up
I was so lost
It was you all along
That I was waiting for
I can say it was worth the wait
This risk I take to hold onto
Something that I cannot see

CHORUS

Can your arms be my shelter from the storms that will come
Is this just for a moment or a lifetime commmitment
Is this just a fantasy it feels so real, so real to me

Can it feel like this
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Cry [01 Sep 2009|02:36am]
"Cry"

you bring so much joy to my eyes
but when I touch your line of sight
all i do is cry cry cry
overwhelmed by what I feel inside
this sense of duty i feel to reconcile
all i do is cry cry cry
even i don't really know why

8 hours 10 minutes and i watch the seconds pass by
this feeling of emptiness eating me alive slowly
in a place of dizzying vertigo where I cannot ly
fading past the moments that I should realize are gone

you have brought so much to my life
but when we pass each other in the night
all i do is cry cry cry
no control over my senses
overflown by a hole i desperately try to fill
all i do is cry cry cry
on the inside there's no tear to fall

can you see what is behind this mask
can you see the tears that I shield
can you feel the connection still strong
can you feel the emptiness in your arms

I belong there
I belong there
I belong there..........
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Why [25 Aug 2009|05:05pm]
"Why"

I didn't know what to expect from the very first kiss
It happened so fast
I didn't mean to give it up so quick
But there was something and my heart relapsed
Into your arms I believe in your heart
You tell me that I'm beautiful

Chorus:

Why why
Do you love me when I can't love myself
Why why
Do you hold me like there's no one else
Why why
Do you catch me before I fall everytime
Why Why
All these feelings I can't recognize and I ask you why

I didn't know that a fairytale could exist
I thought it all was just a dream
Until I woke up in your arms and saw
The way that you were looking at me
Like I was golden the one that you chose
Out of all the people in the world

CHORUS
2 comments|post comment

[11 Aug 2009|01:03am]
As if you actually read this......

.......but what I was trying to say Sat night is this:

It doesn't really matter.........but YOU really mattered to me. You still do.....but again it doesn't really matter because in the end nothing's changed and we're still both on very different paths. But if things ever change for you, you know where to find me and I'll be open to that.

It was really rough the first few months and I was devestated and sad and depressed over everything. But in the end it was really good for me I made so many friends and I learned to do things on my own and I feel really comfortahle with who I am now. I re-read the drunken conversation Sunday morning and it did make me feel a lot better so thank you for that. My head's been filled with so much garbage between listening to Carrie and other people give their take on things that it started to invalidate a lot of things that I had always believed.

But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes, to each his own. I sometimes miss the connection I felt to you especially when it feels like no one else can really understand........sometimes I really don't want to say anything and I just want to be held but have someone know everything that I'm saying inside at the same time. I always felt that way with you.

So keep on doing your thing.......I'm doing mine. With any luck I will find what I'm looking for....someone to date and eventually a husband. I hope you find what you're looking for too. Glad you haven't completely forgotten me, it was good to talk even if we can't talk right now.
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[10 Aug 2009|12:11am]
[ mood | creative ]

Doesn't Really Matter

You can't find what is lost
When you can't remember why it got there
And you can't search for something
When you don't know what it looks like anymore

It's easy to forget what it's like to feel flesh on skin
When it's all been abandoned and it's numb on contact

Doesn't really matter
What we say now
Doesn't change a thing
Why am I wasting my breath
I can drunk text a million more times
I want to be amicable
But it doesn't really matter anyway now does it

She can play interference and lie abundantly
About her whereabouts she was with me you know
It's what triggers broken memories everytime
Everytime we talk I still don't understand the motives
So much hostility how can I let go when I'm constantly carrieD

Doesn't really matter
What we say now
Doesn't change a thing
I don't want anymore I've had what I had
I can fantasize in a million more ways
A perfect circumstance still won't exist
But it doesn't really matter anyway does it

If only it was as simple as deleting a phone number
If only it was as simple as pushing a button
If only it was as simple as black and white

But it doesn't really matter anyway now

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One Of Those Girls [03 Aug 2009|11:29pm]
"One Of Those Girls"

With one look of your face
One breath in between
One lock of your lips
I'd surrender again

One brush of your beard
Your hand through my hair
One smile I would melt
Into you again

What gives you this power? (I don't know)
In my lonely hour

Chorus:

I don't wanna be just another kiss to you
Just another one for you to own
I don't wanna be just another one night stand
For you to pretend to love
I cannot admit how much I miss you
It will give you too much power
I don't wanna be one of those
One of those girls
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Front Row [24 Jun 2009|04:30pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Front Row


There will come a time
When you'll have to look yourself in the face

There will come a time
You'll have to accept responsibility
For the choices you've made

Chorus:

You can't run from your whole life
The score will settle and you'll be
On the losing side
Time cannot be chased
What goes around will catch up with you
Eventually

And I'll be front row with a smile on my face


There will come a time
When your heart is going to break

There will come a time
When no one will protect you
And your lies will be your only shield

Chorus:

And you will sleep alone and feel the pain of solitude
If you cannot give love how can you receive it
They'll be no one to feel sorry for you

And I'll be front row with buttered popcorn.......

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Beautiful Lies [03 Jun 2009|04:16am]
[ mood | creative ]

New song really liking this one!!!

"Beautiful Lies"


Your fingers feel like icicles on my skin now
What was once a rush to feel now only gives me a chill
When I first looked into those sapphire eyes I saw such warmth
I saw a man worthy of so much love I was overjoyed
I still have to ask what happened I gave you the world
I gave you so much that there was no room for myself

Chorus:

We loved each other what a beautiful beautiful lie
We were made for each other what a beautiful beautiful lie
We planned a future together with beautiful beautiful lies
We held each other in such beautiful beautiful lies


You told me you'd never felt this way before you told me you were in love
I threw caution under the bus I let down my guard
I really believed the lines from the script you wrote
I had no idea that this was the third time you'd performed
I still have to ask was it all an act or were there any feelings?
I still have to ask what kind of laugh did god get from this tragic comedy?

Chorus

Your fingers feel like icicles on my skin now
What was once a rush to feel now only makes me ill

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Almost Doesn't Count [08 May 2009|11:43pm]
"Almost Doesn't Count"

Almost made you love me
Almost made you cry
Almost made you happy, baby
Didn't I didn't I
You almost had me thinkin'
You were turned around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody
Not afraid to let go
Want a no doubt be there kind of man
You came real close
But everytime you built me up
You only let me down
And everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya around
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count
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You'll Find Your Way [27 Feb 2009|12:15am]
"You'll Find Your Way"

I know you must go now
On your own to find yourself
It's painful for the moment
I can't help but feel I'm losing
A piece of my heart
Follow the signals listen to the sound
It will guide you to where you
Belong in the end
You wil have lost nothing I will have gained a friend

Chorus

You'll find your way
Through the darkness of the night
You'll find your way
Through and I'll be your light
You'll find your way
Through the storms towering above
You'll find your way
Through and it'll bring you back to love
Back to love

I know I must move on
But I still miss everything about you
Your cologne your breath your touch
It is instilled in my memory
Ater all these starts and stops
I still believe in my heart
That someday we will again cross paths
And find the love that we lost

CHORUS


I love yous have been said
But this is deeper than that
There's nothing left to say
Just listen and you'll find your way

CHORUS
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Feelings [24 Feb 2009|12:41am]
Feelings are so complicated and not rational. ::sigh::
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Forgotten [17 Feb 2009|09:25pm]
"Forgotten"

Have you forgotten
What it was like to be in love
That night on my couch staring into each other's soul
You said "where have you been my whole life?
I've never felt like this only once before"
I said "I've been right here waiting for you!
What took you so long? you feel so incredible"
Have you forgotten
That we were once so in love not just one


Woah woah woah

Have you forgotten
What it is like to touch
Remember the day you took me out on your motorcycle
I held on so tight I thought I was going to fall
You told me "don't let me go"
The sun was shining wind in our faces things were so simple
Have you forogtten
That i'm still so in love


Woah Woah Woah

How could I forget
Your smile and your laugh
Your eyes always comforted me
I check my phone constantly
You know where I live
I'll wait till you tell me goodbye

Have you forgotten
The friendship that we had?
Lying in my bed you said
"Most guys would have run the other way"
I said "I'm not most guys you should know this by now
I am here to stay"
I kissed you and I could feel the silver lining put itself on display
Have you forgotten
How to change?

Don't forget I still love you
Don't forget I still think of you each day
Don't forget I cherish every word you've ever said
Don't forget the roses St Petersburg and Disney
Don't forget the one promise I can make
If you do love me somewhere deep inside then I will wait.
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[15 Feb 2009|01:02am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Wait This Out

It feels like the world
Is crashing around me
This armageddon where all I know has ceased to be
Feelings I had come to recognize and rely on
Have vanished without a trace or explanation

Chorus

How can you not be the man
That I deserve
When there is no better
There is no better
How can I understand
When you touch me and
I feel such pleasure
I feel such pleasure

Confusion settles in and there is no doubt
If love is there I'll wait this out


I saw your cell phone
At your place my title changed
A slap in the face
A reminder of what has changed
This burden inside rips me apart
Although I can't let go I can't convince my heart to flee

Chorus

How can we have this space
And not resent each other at the same time?
Why can't these needs be met
Why can't love compromise?
I hold on instead to all that I feel inside
And I know that this is not goodbye

Chorus

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[26 Jan 2009|04:43pm]
"I know that you want more, but I need to get my life on track first."
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Is it really over? [02 Dec 2008|07:55am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

So four days of crying are over for now. I think that I am finally doing okay.

Brandon and I are no longer a couple. I've been sick for days and crying non stop. I had to take some time off of work to get myself together.

I knew it was coming on Friday night we texted back and forth. We talked on Saturday. First of all, a little background since I have not been updating my journal properly.

We met in July, I wasn't really ready for a relationship but I found him and he just completely swept me off my feet. Everything was great at first, but I knew that he had so much potential and that there is so much out of life that he wanted to do career wise and in so many other ways that he had not been able to achieve. He was a server for a gay restaurant downtown, and had a motorcycle that he used to get to and from work. He didn't make a lot of money. Materialistic things have never been important to me so it was never that big of an issue at first.

We celebrated our birthdays (Sept 23rd for him Sept 27th for me) at Disney. We had a blast. I met his mom and grandma. He met my parents when they came down. Everything was wonderful until the middle of October.

When he got into a motorcycle accident.

That's when everything really changed. Everything. He had no medical insurance. He fractured his arm and had to go to a specialist. I helped him pay for his medical bills. His best friend helped him as well. He had to quit his job. He couldn't lift heavy trays and such as a server, his arm was not healing properly. He has been in constant pain. The first couple weeks after the accident everything was the same, I think he was in denial. But after that things really took a turn for the worst. He started to get irritable. Grouchy. Bills came in. He's been out of work for at least a month now and can't pay his rent. He's borrowed from everyone. He's applied everywhere he can around his house and no one is hiring. He can't ride his motorcycle because his arm is practically broken. He can't even lift it up high enough to start the bike.

So he took me on Saturday and explained that he has hit rock bottom. He is drowning in his own life and cannot be a boyfriend to me right now. He says what he needs now is a friend and not a boyfriend, he just cannot deal with it on an emotional level right now; the stress is too much with everything else going on. He wants to get his life back on track and then he can have a boyfriend again, when he has more control of the things around him. It's not fair to me. Either way. Life is just not fair sometimes and I realize that, but I finally find a really good man that I can see myself with long term and having a family, and life shits on me. It wouldn't be fair to me if we stayed together either. He hasn't been kind or loving to me the last few weeks. I thought it was temporary, due to the stress and his having issues sleeping with everything going on. He explained that the guilt he feels and the stress he feels everday waking up knowing that he is not meeting his obligations as a boyfriend stress him out beyond belief. He wants to give 110% of himself to me, to his relationship; but right now cannot even give 50%.

So right now what he needs is a friend, patience, and an open heart and mind. That's been his mantra as of late. He needs support as a friend to help him get through what he needs to get through. He needs patience if I want to work things out and have a future with him. I need an open heart and mind to allow him to have the space he needs to work out his issues. I wanted and still want to make 100% sure that his decision had to do with the outside influences of the relationship and not the relationship itself. He has assured me at least 3 times that it had nothing to do with us per se, but the final factor was the extra stress and obligation he was feeling as a result. There are a few "personality conflicts" he potentially saw but we have only been together 3 months, and TBH he was not sure if they were serious enough to sever the relationship for a lifetime. They were small things that we will need to work on if we are to try again.

So what he needs right now is a friend. How am I supposed to be that to him right now? I still love him. He says he cares about me. He says he feels the same as he did before the breakup. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. The idea stresses him out and I just don't think he can deal with that word or feeling on an emotional level right now. His life is so crazy. Neither one of us knows when it will be sorted out....but there is a lot to sort out. We decided to keep having sex. The sex has always been amazing. For me I know that this is awful, this is wrong, but it is a way for me to stay emotionally and physically connected to him through this transition. He says that there are still a lot of emotions for him when we have sex, it's not just fucking. He still cares a lot, and it feels good. There's still a connection. We agree we can continue to do this for now.

Just last night we started to talk about boundaries. There really aren't any right now. His main thing was that it was very important that we have space in between seeing each other. Not that we cannot text or call, but that there needs to be space. This is coming off of spending practically every night together. Sleeping in the same bed. Cuddling. Making love. This is a drastic change. He doesn't want to continue dating me and just take away the label. There has to be a change in the way we treat each other. We really have to transition to friends for this period of time. I don't know if I can even do that or if it is possible for us to go back to what we had.

I know 3 months is not a long time, blah blah blah.......but the connection and the emotions were so intense. I really believe that we both need this space and time apart. I agreed to not see anyone else for 3 months, and then we could see where we are at that time. I am always going to pressure him and be pushing for a reconcilliation. I know I am. I'm not sure how long I can give him to get his life together before I start to explore other options for myself. That scares me so much because I want so badly to reconcile. I really think that he is the one. I never saw myself marrying anyone else in my life seriously.

I called my psychic last night. The one that told me I was going to move to Florida, meet Jason, meet Greg, even Brandon. She told me that everything is going to come "full circle". That we both need to take a step back, that I need to support him while he goes through his "financial crisis" (which I didn't say a word about) and that the connection we had in the beginning is still there. Everything she said is going to work out and that this really is worth waiting for. Once his financial crisis is over and that is back on track he is going to start to come back around. Everything will come full circle. For sure. He just isn't emotionally available with everything else going on. And when I asked if he was the one, which she has told me in the past none of them were point blank; she said that this "is really something worth waiting for". I tried to get a time frame but she didn't give me one. Just that this is going to take longer than 2 weeks or 2 months. This could take time.

I guess I don't really have a choice. A relationship takes two people. I am just going to keep going and see what happens and I guess that's all I can do. My only choice is is to wait for him to get his life together or move on.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

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